Wednesday, January 14, 2009

It's Not My Fault I'm Single

I love dating, except for the putting myself out there part, or the rejection part, or any of the hard parts. But I like dating. I’m not good at dating. If I was, maybe I would be married. And then, I probably wouldn’t be getting the uncomfortable question/statement…. “oh, you aren’t married???”

I knew I might possibly one day get this question. After all, I’m single. And outside of NY, I suppose it’s strange to say you’ve never been married, regardless of your sex. Of course, getting married at 18 and divorced at 19, never to remarry again is perfectly normal.

So why aren’t I married. I’m not really going to answer that. I have no clue. I’m just a lousy dater. I've pleased, manipulated, pouted, disrobed, robed, stalked, written poems, pleased again, faked an interest in star trek, made myself available, ignored, flattered, diminished myself for (ok, I could only do that for about 1 minute), stayed up late with, left parties with, nearly killed myself rollerblading with boyfriend after boyfriend. I tried.

But I have some theories. And at the end of the day, I just don’t think it’s my fault.

Theory 1: I’m single because you haven’t set me up.

No one sets me up on dates. I rarely ask. So if I do, please know I’m horribly desperate for male attention, and pretty much would go out with anyone with male parts.

What I have heard at these moments is that “I don’t know anyone your type”, or “gee, all my single guy friends are such losers”. Again, I’m desperate, and want to date losers who aren’t my type because so far, my “type” isn’t working out for me. So a little diversity in my dating pool would be good.

I particularly address this comment to my married friends who are full of advice on how I should be dating, but keep all their husbands single guy friends away from me. Shame on you.

Theory #2: The airlines have a conspiracy against me.

Yep, that’s just what I mean. The airlines have a conspiracy against me. I don’t fly much, but certainly a few times a year. Usually on the same airline. I always fly alone. How come I never get to sit next to the cute single guy? Oh I see them on the plane all the time. Sometimes, they are within rows of me. I can practically smell their cologne.

I usually sit next to: the fat man, the religious woman (I almost converted to some strange form of Hinduism just to shut this woman up), the young couple in love (grossly making out for hours – ew), the family (I love kids that kick the seat – feels so good on the spleen), the nun (I can’t make this shit up) .

On my last flight, I thought my luck was changing. God was listening to me. The young couple (yes that one) weren’t originally sitting together, and there was a family (yes that one too) wasn’t sitting together and they were trying to switch seats around. It was a multi-row swap. And then he came on. The man of my dreams. Our life flashed before my eyes. The wedding, our children, our upper east side fixer-upper, we had a great life. It was a Lifetime Movie moment. I was about to offer up my much loved window seat. And then he passed us by, and everyone realized he was one row too far back to participate in the seat swap. I just about to utter the words “I do”, and my dream was broken.

I got to sit next to the gross couple and kicking family. It was a joyous flight.

Why don’t the airlines come up with an algorithm for sitting single people together? Add it to the flight data you enter, voluntarily of course. I’d even pay an extra $10 for the flight, each way.

Or, how about a Singles Only airline? I’d fly that one.

Theory 3: He’s just not that into you. Duh, the man who takes your number but only text messages you at strange hours???? Not into me? Shhhocking!

I rarely ever give out my number. You never know on what telemarketer list you can end up (exception being that if I will get store coupons, I will give out my home number).

Last fall I met this gorgeous man at a bar. Not sure why he was talking to me. I stopped trying to figure it out after the 3rd hour. I just went with it. He was so sweet and offered to hang out with me after the bar. Isn’t that sweet?

I gave him my number and I went home…..ALONE.

I planned on not hearing from him for two days. On schedule, he texted. Texted. I’m a texter, so I went with it. We texted for five minutes. Then he disappeared.

I planned on hearing from him again a few days later. On schedule, he texted me. Hmm. I was hoping for a call. Maybe an ask out for a date on Sunday. We texted for five minutes and he disappeared.

This went on for another week. Now I’m bored. I deleted him. He continued to text for another two weeks. “blah blah blah”, disappear, “blah blah blahhhhhh”, disappear. Some of these texts were late at night.

I was having nothing to do with that. That whole buying the cow/getting the milk for free – you get nothing for free from me buddy. I need dinner first.

He finally texted, “I’d really like to see you”. I suggested he call me sometime. Never heard from him again.

This, sadly, is typical of dating in the 21st century. Men get to have lots of virtual relationships, no strings attached, but plenty of ego fulfillment at our expense. I’m not saying women are perfect, or easy. But we don’t play games with our feelings. We play games about other things. But when we like a man, we like him. And we want him to call. And when he doesn’t, that’s when we play ugly games.

Not me of course. I just walk away.

Hence, I may be single. But it’s totally not my fault.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Chris, you rock. Alan S